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Recently Added jokes and humor

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Philly Slango List - Our guide to how we Tawk in Philly.

Archived Humor Index - Older stuff


Installing your new sense of humor

A blond bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" 
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" 
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. 

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs.... One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him. "ASSHOLE!" she yelled..... The French National Anthem began to play. 


"It seems the French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled  due to a national crisis... They have plenty of racquets, but no  balls....." 


A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis."

The Iraqi commander quickly sends ten of this best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out:

"One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again:

"One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"

The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune.  Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.

Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi soldier crawls back over the dune and with his dying breath tells his commander:

"Don't send anymore men!

It's a trap!

There's TWO of them!"



Iraq Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers  had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President. 

With that in mind, we have a Special Offer  for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise,  "Elation," which has been commissioned  to take you to your new vacation homes in Iraq.

You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or France. 

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay... at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. 

Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!



Twenty Things I Learned From Mom

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC. 
"Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

6. My mother taught me about IRONY. 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it." 

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 
"Stop acting like your father!" 

12. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get home." 

14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 

16. My mother taught me about ESP. 
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?" 

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR. 
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

19. My mother taught me about GENETICS. 
"You're just like your father." 

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM. 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



Thanks to Dee for this one ...
On a clear day on their way to get married, a young couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. 

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left. 

The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months. 
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. 
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?" 

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven." 

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering: what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. 

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer. 


Road Kill Grill, a nice addition to our White Trash Humor Section, Thanks Mike.
Road Kill Grill.gif (15260 bytes)

What's this you ask?
Move back from the monitor until you can read the message.

Thanks John from Talk Radio Albuquerque for sending along this
Subject: Headlines - Year 2035:

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally..... scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

 Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

A new AOL subscriber's diary

July 18
I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard
it is the best online service I can get. They even
included a free disk! I'd better hold on to it in case
they don't ever send me another one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer
needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to
cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22
I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it
goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer.
I'm confused.

July 23
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That
nine-year-old next door did it for me. But it still
doesn't work. I can't get online.

July 25
That 9-year-old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a
prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What
a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services
for people. Anyway, he's smarter than the jerks who
sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about
communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why
do they put two telephone jacks in the back of a modem
when you only need one? And why do they have one
labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to
the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone
sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid
figured it out by the sound.

July 26
What's the Internet? I thought I was on America
Online. Not this Internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27
The 9-year-old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
He says that he is, compared to me. Maybe he's not so
modest after all.

July 28
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a

July 30
These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital
letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how
to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different
type of keyboard.






August 7
Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not supposed to use
it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more

August 8
I just read this post called "Make Money Fast". I'm so
excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed
his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I
could find.

August 9
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long.
I will have to work on it some more.

August 10
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read
a few posts and I really believe that aol should be
wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol

August 11
I was asking where to find some information about
something. Some guy told me to check out
ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but can't find
that group.

August 12
I sent a post to every Usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone
will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents
said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his
homework. So they won't let him come over anymore. I
do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the
rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts
about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13
I sent another post to every usenet group on the
Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had
forgotten to include my new signature file which is
only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read
my favorite poem, so I included it. I'm also going to
add that short story I like.

August 14
Some guy suspended my account because of what I was
doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank.
He's so dumb.

Subject: Hot Air Balloon (Jan 2000)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.

"I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not
been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be an administrator."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect someone else to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!!"

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Re: New Security Measures At Los Alamos In Effect IMMEDIATELY!!

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our
minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be
reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and
mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without
proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a
stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The
stickers will be available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer
be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com,
www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com . Links to all Disney
sites will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers
at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the
cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to
"keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of
plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects
around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids
with their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational
use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween,
the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many
of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2
hours of the week!


The Top 17 Answers in O.J. Simpson's Live Web Q&A Session

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

17 "What kind of smart-ass question is that?

Goldman, is that you again? I told you I *still* don't have the money!"

16 "Johnnie does that rhyming thing all day long: 'We can't go to trial till you wipe off that smile.' Bugs the hell out of me, too."

15 "No, I could never kill anyone... but I *can* type one-handed -- LOL. So, what are you wearing?"

14 "Sure, Kato was a lousy alibi -- but he provided a number of other services that you can't get from a normal houseguest."

13 "For the last time, I don't have any inside information about the next Star Wars movie, you freakin' geeks!!"

12 "Well, the reason I decided to send my message to you today via the internet is because in person, I run the risk of my detractors trying to sabotagxxxxxfjkljkl KILL KILL!! HAA HAA HAA oj'z been OWNED by dR MaD!!! Kid rock rulez!"

11 "Simple: Immediately apply a little club soda and scrub."

10 "You're right! If I take my age, add 6, multiply by the number of times I play golf a week, and subtract the year, I get the number of times I stabbed Nicole! Um, I mean, *didn't* stab Nicole."

9 "So far, my investigative efforts have uncovered one clue: the real killer hates golf."

8 "No, I don't see how my unique abilities as a slashing runner to knife back through the secondary and leave people sprawled on the ground had any bearing on my post-football life. Why do you ask?"

7 "No contest, man. Sleepy Hollow. Musta seen that one five or six times."

6 "Of course I'm still looking! In fact, I can tell you that the real killers weren't at the Brentwood Hooters last night."

5 "Hmmmm... Jesus, my parents, Martin Luther King, Vince Lombardi and the Ramseys."

4 "From looking at all the clues, I find that this week Kelly switches sides to GERVASE/COLLEEN/SEAN. From the new alliance of KGCS they start voting off the other alliance, so this week is Jenna, and then next week it's Susan."

3 "Yeah, I'd *kill* to host Monday Night Football -- you hear that, Dennis Miller?!?"

2 "What do I think about gun control? Dude, you're talking to the only person in America who is subject to a 7-day waiting period to buy a butter knife!"

1"What, and get a speeding ticket too?"


1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering
wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:

European Parliament announcement

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,
sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will
be replaced with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion but
typewriters kan have one fewer letters.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful and they would

By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'
by 'z' and 'w' by 'v' . During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be
dropt from vords containing 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be
aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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Another commentary on those great chain emails

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion friggin' chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. 

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!

What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FRIG YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by someone in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Frig them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't frigging care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.


Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, that willl never happen!!! Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will wreck your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!

Chain Letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will croak instantly. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad sacks with nothing better to do. 

So this is how it works: 
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she left this world. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 15 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a note that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.


The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!

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The Top 14 Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park
The Top 5 List www.topfive.com Copyright 2000 by Chris White 

14> "Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"
13> The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.
12> The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.
11> Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
10> The sign outside the big-top tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."
9> Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.
8> None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.
7> A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
6> Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
5> Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.
4> The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
3> You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350. 
2> "We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at an AOL Theme Park... 

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Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

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Diary of a Blonde Newlywed Bride

Dear diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun
to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said,
"Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do
that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve
without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a
friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I
served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle
of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's for the bed
of lettuce. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if
I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my
mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe,
because when I came back home again it looked
the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for
Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and
some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real
cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but
all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and
set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

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Five ways to tell you have NOT married a millionaire.

5 - The financial news report came on while you were
 making love in the living room, and he didn't miss a beat.
4 - He winces visibly when you insist on supersizing your dinner.
3 - The moving company calls the honeymoon suite at Motel 6 to inform you that your grandmother's baby grand won't fit  through the door of the double-wide.
2 - Two words: NASCAR coasters
 and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire...
1 - Your new wife's previous life: famous Olympic figure skater Your new wife's current life: drunk bitch with hubcap

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AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2.
Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday
travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass
-led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.

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Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft Rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
One man crew
and, of course ...
Microsoft Works

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The Top 14 Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White  ]

14 Your coffee stays hot all day!

13 Never have to look very far to find the legal department.

12 In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge -- Satan!

11 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.

10 In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

9 You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

8 No more wondering if the boss hates you.

7 Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.

6 Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.

5 Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!

4 Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. 
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.

3 Your job? Suit and tie.  Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!

2 Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way Hell is Better Than Your Job...
1 Microwave popcorn -- without leaving your cubicle!

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Some advantages of getting older

* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

* If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

* Things you buy now won't wear out.

* No one expects you to run into a burning building.

* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

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