Philly Talk Radio Online - The definitive website for Talk Radio news and information in Philadelphia
Philadelphia's Home Page for Talk Radio

  Home | Site Map | Forum | Program Guide | Contact | Stations
Archives | People | Pictures | Audio | Ratings | Headlines | Help

Search:


The Featured Humor Archive - Philly Talk Radio Online

Index for THIS page

Archived humor pages within this site

 
Kids decide who to marry
Martha Stewarts Tips for rednecks
Christmas Song for the office
Quotes from Actual Medical Records
Wise Advice From Kids
Aviation 101
When you feel stupid, read this
Greater Las Angeles Drivers application
Bar Room Translations
Best Verified Newspaper Headlines
Useful phrases to use at work
Free NOT to wear Sunscreen
Sayings that should be on buttons
Redneck Medical Terms
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas
His and Hers ATMs
The Independent Princess
"Words of wisdom" or "How to cope with life"
22 Signs That Show You Are from Philadelphia 

 

Philly Slango List - Philly Talk Radio Online's own guide to how locals "Tawk"

 

The 57 Chevy remember when page

South Carolina Driver's License application

Texan Humor...

You know you're a Redneck if

Being Married & Men vs. Women

HMOs and you...

If AOL made Cars...

Guy rules that all girls should know...

Girl rules that all guys should know...

God's total quality management questionnaire

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married."
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns."
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone
my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper
changing."
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after
us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck."
Ricky, age 10

 

Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

back to top

Christmas Song for the Office

A little tension-breaker for the Holiday Season--
(try singing this out loud to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The 'puter screen,
Is a glist'nin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!"
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has you wired.
The days not complete,
'Til the very last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.

Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
Is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland

back to top

Quotes from Actual Medical Records

1. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will bet Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10 .The patent expired on the floor uneventfully.

11 .Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

12 .Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

13 .The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

14. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

15. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

back to top

Wise Advice From Kids

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

back to top

Aviation 101
This one for all my friends in the "Jersey Devils" Air National Guard flying F-16's

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man .... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing:
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runway behind you.
Fuel in the truck.
Half a second ago.
Approach plates in the car.
The airspeed you don't have.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

back to top

WHENEVER I FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID, I READ THIS...

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to
live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever." * Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff." * Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." * Matt Lauer on
NBC's Today show

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law". * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." * Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country." * Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

8. "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take
them off." * Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

9. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." * Jason Kidd, upon his
drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

10. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president." * Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents

11. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." * Former French
President Charles De Gaulle

12. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it." * A congressional candidate in Texas

13."The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This
is a good planet." * Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with
a million dollars.

14. "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for
the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
killers are to blame." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex
social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

15. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." * John Wayne

16. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." * Philadelphia Phillies manager
Danny Ozark

17. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

18. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
* General William Westmoreland

19. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a
fund-raising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to
quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)

20. "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet." * Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

21. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." * Former U.S.
Vice-President Dan Quayle

22. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Al Gore

23. "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." Vice President Al Gore to
Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

back to top

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own
a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Males: [ ] Bald [ ] Blonde [ ] Black [ ] Brown [ ] Gray [ ] Red [ ]
White [ ] Other
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________
What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above

(South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual
window on your left.

back to top

Bar Room Translations:

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by
the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to
lick you.)

7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to
you on the ride home?)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert
at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the heck out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the heck out of the
way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are
not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you
are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of
my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 1.4
on the breathalyzer after my last visit here)

back to top

Best Verified Newspaper Headlines of the Year...

1.) Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

2.) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3.) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4.) Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5.) Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6.) Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7.) Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8.) Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9.) British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10.) Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11.) Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12.) Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13.) Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14.) Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15.) Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16.) Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17.) War Dims Hope for Peace

18.) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19.) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20.) Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21.) New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22.) Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

23.) Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24.) Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

25.) Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

back to top

USEFUL PHRASES TO USE AT WORK

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

Are you a fxxxxxg ray of sunshine every day?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits

back to top

Free NOT to wear Sunscreen (A parody) - You have to have heard the song to GET this

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '98:

Don't drink white zinfandel.

Even if you like it. If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
this would be it. The fact that drinking white zin causes individuals to
earn irreversible reputations for bad taste has been proven by sociologists
the world over.

The rest of my advice, on the other hand, has no basis more reliable than
chain e-mail sent to me when I really should have been working. I will
dispense this advice to you now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your virility. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your virility until you're sucking down
Viagara like a frigging multi-vitamin. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll
look back at your sexual prowess and it'll hit you in a way that you can't
grasp now-how it's not so bad to come too early and how
fabulous it is to come at all.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation while reading Salman
Rushdie's The Satanic Verses backwards while balancing a plate on your head.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday, when
you decide to surprise your wife and come home
from work early, and your best friend's Corvette is parked in the driveway.

Do one thing every day that scares the shit out of you. Like walking into
South Central L.A. with a hood on your head.

Fart.

Don't be reckless with other people's cars, especially if they're more
expensive than your own. Don't put up with people who are reckless with
yours, unless they have lots of insurance.

Get drunk.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're
behind. The race is long and, in the end, you can always get plastic
surgery and trade up anyway.

Remember compliments you receive. Return insults a thousandfold. If you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. I love a good laugh.

Keep your old love letters. The love letters will remind you of how your
wife wasn't always a nagging bitch.

Throw away old bank statements. Especially the ones from the secret account
your wife knows nothing about.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most
interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with
their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
They tell me about it all the time as they wrap
themselves up in a blanket and roll their shopping carts down Broadway in
Santa
Monica, mumbling "skittles, skittles, skittles."

Get plenty of calcium. Maybe you'll be featured in a "Got Milk" ad and
make lots of money, like Steve Young, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Be kind to your knees. Be kind to your breasts. You'll miss them when
your breasts are at your knees.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you
won't. And maybe you're going to be the one that saves me, and after all,
you're my wonderwall.

Remember that you can't congratulate yourself too much, or berate other
people enough. Life is half chance, so if you come out ahead, God must love
you more than other people.

Dance, even if you're white.

Don't read directions. They're just a ploy engineered by paper
manufacturers to sell unnecessary paper to the world.

Do not read beauty magazines. Porn is much more fun.

Get to know your parents. They're always good for a couple of bucks when
you're in between jobs.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past, and might
make more money than you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but Star Trek on UPN is forever.

So are a few good friends. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who
remember you when you had hair.

Live in New York City once, but leave before someone ties you up in your
apartment and chops your head off.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before you start wearing
leather and hanging out with people named "Bruce."

Burp.

Accept certain inalienable truths: You will always work too hard, for too
little money. Your wife's boobs will sag. So will yours.

Prices will soar, and no matter how much money you make, you won't be able
to afford to buy the house you really, really want. You, too, will get
old, and when you do, you will fantasize that when you were young, your
wife's boobs didn't sag, prices were reasonable, and you didn't care how
much money you had, because living in a filthy apartment with four other
guys off-campus with a cabinet full of Top Ramen and Lucky Lager was all
you needed.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Unless they're really, really
rich. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.
But you never know when either one will be dipped into by someone else.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be liberal with supplying it. People
love that. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly
parts and recycling it so that somebody else, younger than you, can get
screwed over just like you did, and you can point and laugh.

But trust me on the white zinfandel.

back to top

SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS...

1 Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2 Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3 Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4 Do I look like a freakin' people person?
5 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6 I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7 I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8 If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9 You! Off my planet!
10 Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
11 Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
12 Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
13 Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
14 If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
15 Does your train of thought have a caboose?
16 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17 Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
18 And your crybaby whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
19 I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
20 If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
21 See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
22 A PBS mind in an MTV world.
23 Allow me to introduce my selves.
24 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25 Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
26 Better living through denial.
27 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
28 Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
29 Adult child of alien invaders.
30 Do they ever shut up on your planet?
31 I'm just working here 'til a good fast-food job opens up.
32 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
33 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
34 Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
35 Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
36 Back off! You're standing in my aura.
37 I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
38 Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
39 Adults are just kids who owe money.
40 How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
41 I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
42 I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
43 You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.
44 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
45 Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
46 Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
47 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
48 Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
49 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
50 Chaos, panic, & disorder - My work here is done.
51 Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
52 Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
53 Earth is full. Go home.
54 Is it time for your medication or mine?
55 I plead contemporary insanity.
56 And which dwarf are you?
57 I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
58 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
59 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
60 Meandering to a different drummer.
61 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

back to top

I had placed a few of these on The Kent Voss Parody Page and pissed of some friends by not listing all of them.

Redneck Medical Terms:

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................Near by.

back to top

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya
from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a
taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's
one of us!"

back to top

His and Hers ATMs
---------------------------
His:
1.Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take card, cash and receipt
5. Drive away

Hers:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're to far from machine
6 . Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit cancel
12. Reenter correct PIN
13. Check Balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

back to top

The Independent Princess

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess
met up with a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my mother living with us
and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't fxxking think so."

back to top

===================

"Words of wisdom" or "How to cope with life"
Thanks, Jim for sending this in.
This may help you cope with life. Try a few out on your colleagues.
Post #1 on your office door. Repeat #8 as often as necessary to maintain equilibrium.
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9) Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
12) My Reality Check bounced.
13) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

22 Signs That Show You Are from Philadelphia (pronounced "Philly")

22. You Hate Dallas, you love the Iggles

21. You realize that a favorite dessert is "wawder ice" (it comes in flavors like lemon, churry, & strawburry ).

20. You find yourself using "Yo" and "youse" when talking long-distance to your family members.

19. You know how to spell Schuylkill.

18. You pronounce ACME as "ACK - A - ME.

17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.

16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"

15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.

14. You visit New York City and are impressed by how clean it is.

13. You believe the car on your left, with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.

12. You know what kind of cheese goes on a real cheesesteak.

11. Street people greet you by your first name.

10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.

9. You don't want a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.

8. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block in a row house.

7. You know who Jim O'Brien is and how he died.

6. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple or lunch without Tasteycake

5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli.

4. You know a vacation down the Jersey Shore is better than going to an island (there's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody).

3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.

2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim's for authentic cheese steaks. You go only if you're drunk and it's 3:00 a.m.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY

1. You buy soft pretzels at a traffic light without wondering where
the guy goes to wash his hands--if you did, you wouldn't care!

Home | Forum | People | Stations | Audio | Links | Site Map | Archives | About us | Help
Original material copyright © Philly Talk Radio Online - All rights reserved.
Contact | Linking to this site or using content | Privacy Policy

top of page